If you didn’t know, Lindsey and I announced to the world a couple weeks ago that we’re having a baby. I mean posting it on Facebook makes it official, right?
Baby Miller, our first child, is due to arrive Feb. 5, 2013 and we’re so so so excited to be parents.
Today we saw our baby via ultrasound.
According to our baby book, Baby — and by the way we are waiting until Baby is here to know what we are having — is about 5-6 inches now and has been what I describe as salsa dancing in Lindsey’s tummy recently.
Sometimes it takes me a little bit for things to sink in. And a couple of hours later as I was watching a 3-second clip of our baby it hit me hard.
The miracle of life is crushingly humbling and each moment like today has reset my soul in profound ways.
Watching our baby move around, with flapping hands, while playing hide and seek with the ultrasound tech reminds me that the small stuff in life — those little irritations, the painful times, the trials and tribulations, the past — is just that. It’s SMALL. In a flash everything seems tiny, microscopic and insignificant compared to having a little growing creature who has a heartbeat of baby’s own.
I have to say … I feel like I’ve been blessed to be able to accomplish many of the things I’ve set out to do in my life. The things that somehow define “success” for me. But they are all tiny now. Irrelevant actually. A blip on my radar on days like this.
When you see the profile of your baby’s head with the details of baby’s nose and mouth … and know that this little being is part you and part the love of your life, it has a towering effect on everything else in life.
That’s the moment when you just exhale at the gravity of what you’re seeing … with tears coming so much you feel like a snotty mess … because everything you’re holding onto so deeply just releases and fades into the background of oblivion.
It’s the moment you redefine what’s big and what’s infinitely small and just filler.
The big stuff, the things that REALLY matter, is just super simple … it’s LIFE and LOVE.
Today as we replayed the two 3-second clips over and over and cried and held each other and kissed and dreamed and cried some more (yeah, we got probably 50 replays so far) … that crushing humbling resetting of the soul hits you and you feel undone on every level.
That’s when know what BIG really is … and that BIG demands the space and time and energy of the small junk filler crap you’ve been hanging onto.
You learn to evict the small to make room for the big. The big is consuming. It fills. 100%.
I believe the past is pretty useless, because it’s already happened and there is nothing you can do to change it. For me, the only use the past has for me is when it provides value for today and tomorrow — to live better.
When you’re hit with BIG, with life and love, none of the past matters anyway. It was merely mileage to get here, to today, where you watch a living creature that will one day soon call you Daddy. You realize it was all worth the price of admission for a day when you watch your child move around on a screen and long for the day when you can wrap that baby in your arms and never let go.
Life and love are the priceless BIG gifts of life.
Lindsey has given me both of them. I said thank you to her numerous times today as all of this weighed heavy on my heart. I’ll be doing that more and more, by the way, so don’t worry. Each day as we get closer to our baby’s arrival makes me even more thankful.
For two years now, she has loved me like none other. There have been plenty of hard days (scratch that – small days) for me during that time but every day she’s just loved and cared for me with such rich abundance that sometimes I feel guilty for having such immense care and admiration in a partner.
Sometimes she just hugged me. Or listened. Or smiled. Or was the only one that laughed at my goofy humor. And always, always patient with me.
And now, today, she’s carrying our baby. And let’s be honest, I have the easy part. I get to make her cookies. I get to watch the screen and cry and hold her hand. I get to learn each day how our baby is developing as we read our baby book together before bedtime. And I get to hear about how our baby likes to do parkour in her tummy.
Her body and life is changing so drastically every day. She’s making so many sacrifices and does so without complaint and all for the love and care of our baby. I can’t imagine what’s she’s going through.
All for life … all for love.
I can’t wait for our baby to meet this Mama Bear.
We read that baby’s ears are forming. So our baby already knows she has an amazing laugh. But our baby will know in an instance this Mama’s love when baby feels her touch for the first time. Baby is blessed to be born to such a treasure as much as I am to be her Hubs.
I’m 36 years old and soon to be a first-time father.
It was just a couple years ago that I thought I might not ever have the opportunity to have these BIG experiences. And when I did my bucket list in August 2010 (the month before Linds and I met), I surveyed what I had accomplished so far but quickly realized the only thing left that I wanted in life was something I couldn’t just work my butt off to get, or buy.
I just wanted the opportunity to be a father.
Just the opportunity to be writing this post. To be watching these 3-second clips of my unborn baby. To be brainstorming baby names (and yes, both genders since we have a surprise in a couple of months). To have an amazing woman and partner to share all of this with. And to be counting down the days until we meet our baby face to face for the first time.
I gotta tell you … whether our baby is a boy or girl, I don’t care … we just want a healthy baby, but what I saw today was the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen in my life.
With these BIG, once-in-a-lifetime moments, it’s given me some precious moments to connect with my father, my mother, and my brothers on a level I had no idea existed. Obviously my parents have had children, but both my younger brothers have had children (and I have another niece on the way next month in fact!).
Since we found out in late May, and quickly let them all know, we’ve shared some little priceless BIG moments along the way.
My youngest brother Matt has given me some straight yet hilarious advice that still makes me giggle. Seeing him talk to my nephew Hunter in a restaurant and thinking they are honery clones of each other makes me smile just thinking of it. And I vividly remember seeing my brother Travis’ face and feeling his emotions when my niece Rainey was born and how he stared with speechless admiration as he held that tiny baby girl with tears in his eyes.
For my parents, I can only imagine the feeling of knowing each of your children will share in the joy of parenthood … while simultaneously giving them more grandbabies to lavish their love on.
A family friend who is a grandfather told me, “You will die for your children. But kill for your grandchildren.” That might easily sum up what I’ve seen in my parents.
My mom recently gave me one of my baby photos. It was of my mom and dad holding me when I was about 5-6 months old. She left it as a gift on our fridge and it hasn’t moved since.
I was elated to be able to tell my mom that she’d be getting another grandbaby to spoil rotten. I can sense her joy in two distinct ways. One, she wants her second grandbaby so she can be a Mimi all over again. Second, hearing the words, “I always knew you’d be an amazing father,” from your mom is something you hold with pride and reassurance. It might be the twinkle in her eyes and smile when she says it that says so much more though. BIG.
My dad’s a little more subtle but he never wastes words. With him, you know what BIG is. He’s never been bashful to tell me that the greatest joy of his life was having us Miller boys. Sharing updates via text or phone calls is something I treasure deep in my heart. To know the man you love and admire is sharing your own moment while reliving his own is, well, a double dipping of BIG.
All of this is the BIG stuff of life. The kind of big that makes small be what it is — irrelevant. Big vaporizes that junk.
Big is … LIFE and LOVE.
And I’m forever thankful to the one who’s made it all real.
Thank you for these priceless gifts and big moment, Lindsey Anne aka Mama Bear.